Weekend Update on Pro-Trump Graffiti Artist’s Arrest – SNL

Weekend Update on Pro-Trump Graffiti Artist’s Arrest – SNL


>>>A BLACK MAN WAS ARRESTED IN
PHILADELPHIA AFTER HE WENT ON A PRO-TRUMP GRAFFITI SPREE.
HE HAS BEEN SENTENCED TO SPEND THE NEXT FIVE YEARS WITH HIS
AUNTY AND UNCLE IN BEL AIR.>>SOUTH KOREA’S PARLIAMENT HAS
VOTED TO IMPEACH PRESIDENT PARK, THE COUNTRY’S FIRST FEMALE
PRESIDENT OVER A CORRUPTION SCANDAL.
YOU KNOW, IT’S HARD NOT TO LOOK AT THIS STORY AND THINK THAT
COULD HAVE BEEN US. COOL.
WELL, IT’S DRESS REHEARSAL. A WILLIAM ON LONG ISLAND
DISCOVERED A DIAMOND RING INSIDE OF A GLOVE WHILE TRYING IT ON IN
A DEPARTMENT STORE, AND BECAUSE IT WAS LONG ISLAND, IT WAS STILL
ATTACHED TO A FINGER.>>AMAZON HAS OPENED A NEW
GROCERY STORE IN SEATTLE THAT USES SENSORS AND ARTIFICIAL
INTELLIGENCE THAT ALLOWS CUSTOMERS TO BUY PRODUCTS
WITHOUT GOING TO A CASHIER. NOT ALL THE JOBS ARE GOING TO
MEXICO AND CHINA. SOME OF THEM ARE GOING TO
ROBOTS. ROBOTS ARE EVEN TAKING THE JOBS
THAT WE THOUGHT WE WOULD NEVER LOSE, LIKE LAID OFF FACTORY
WORKERS BECAME TRUCK DRIVERS BECAUSE THOSE TRUCKS AIN’T GOING
TO DRIVE THEMSELVES. WELL, GUESS WHAT, IN ABOUT TWO
YEARS THEY’RE TRUCKS ARE GOING TO START DRIVING THEMSELVES.
AND WHITE PEOPLE FREAKING OUT OVER NOTHING NEWS.
THE MALL OF AMERICA IN MINNESOTA HIRED THEIR FIRST BLACK SANTA,
WHICH PROVOKED OUTRAGE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
YOU KNOW, HAVING A BLACK MALL SANTA SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY NICE
IDEA UNTIL YOUR WHITE BABY STARTS CRYING ON HIS LAP AND
YOUR CHRISTMAS CARD LOOKS LIKE THE TODDLER IS A RACIST.
NOW, I DON’T KNOW WHAT COLOR SANTA SHOULD OR SHOULDN’T BE,
BUT HE IS GIVING AMERICA A COUPLE OF HUNDRED YEARS OF FREE
LABOR. SOUNDS PRETTY BLACK TO ME.
[ APPLAUSE ]>>I THINK SANTA IS BLACK TOO
BECAUSE THE ONLY OTHER GUY I KNOW WITH A PET REINDEER IS
TRACY MORGAN. JOSLYN WILDENSTEIN, KNOWN AS THE
CAT WOMAN FOR EXTENSIVE PLASTIC SURGERY TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE A
CAT, WAS ARRESTED ON CHARGES SHE SCRATCHED HER BOYFRIEND.
HE WAS TAUNTING HER WITH A LASER POINTER, IN FAIRNESS.
AND A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT PEOPLE WHO SHAVE OR TRIM THEIR
PUBIC HAIR ARE MORE LIKELY TO CONTRACT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED
DISEASES, SO YOU’RE PROBABLY IN THE CLEAR, OLD GUY AT MY GYM.
>>HE WORKS OUT? A NORTH CAROLINA MAN WAS
ARRESTED AFTER HE WALKED INTO A PIZZA PLACE WITH AN ASSAULT
RIFLE AND SAYING HE WAS INSPIRED BY A FAKE NEWS STORY HE READ OFF
THE INTERNET. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS THE
WOMAN THAT’S ALWAYS YELLING OUTSIDE MY WINDOW, CATHY ANN.
>>HEY, HEY, HEY. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT IDIOT WENT
INTO THAT PIZZA SHOP WITH A GUN, AND HE DIDN’T LEAVE WITH NO
MONEY AND NO PIZZA? I MEAN, HELLO!
>>HE WASN’T TRYING TO ROB IT. HE THOUGHT HE WAS TRYING TO
BREAK UP A PEDOPHILE –>>THE FAKE NEWS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY, OKAY?
YEAH, OKAY? WE ALL CAN AGREE WE GOT SHI AND
CRAZY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY. CRAZY PEOPLE DON’T EVEN HAVE
FAKE NEWS TO GET THEM GOING. I CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE I’VE BEEN
ONE OF THEM, OKAY? THERE WERE TIMES THAT I WOULD
SMOKE YOU KNOW WHAT — CRACK — HEY, HEY, I’M SERIOUS.
I WOULD ACT PRETTY ERRATICALLY, I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.
PEOPLE LIKE ME DO NOT NEED TO BE ENCOURAGED.
>>FORTUNE AND REDDING.>>IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE
CORRECTING ME ALL DAMN DAY, HOW ABOUT YOU START WITH MY
PSORIASIS.>>OH, MY GOD.
>>I’M LIKE A CECADA.>>CLINGING ON TO A TREE
SOMEWHERE. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT ALL THAT FAKE NEWS IS THE WORK OF THE ALT-RIGHT.
RIGHT? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO
CALL THE WHITE SUPREMACISTS NOW BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE PEOPLE
THAT ARE HOLD IT SWASTIKERS GET OFFENDED WHEN YOU CALL THEM
NAZIS. WHAT THE HELL?
THE WHOLE POINT IS TO SAY WHITE PRIDE IS THAT YOU ARE PROUD OF
THAT CRAP. YOU’RE NOT McCAFE.
YOU’RE McDONALD’S. YOU’RE NOT HERE FOR A FANCY FRAP
CHINO. I’M HERE BECAUSE I BURNED SOME
BRIDGES AT WENDY’S. WHAT IS THIS RIGHT WING
CONSPIRACY SO FOP LAR ANYWAY? WHAT HAPPENED TO JUST USING THE
INTERNET FOR WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO.
PORNO.>>GETTING BACK TO THE
ALT-RIGHT.>>HERE’S MY NUMBER ONE PROBLEM
WITH THE ALT-RIGHT. IT’S NOT THE RACISM.
NO OFFENSE.>>WHAT?
>>IT’S THAT THEY THINK THEY ARE SO FUNNY.
THAT’S NOT FUNNY. THAT’S LIKE WHEN YOU FIRST GO IN
THE JAIL, AND THEY FIND THE FATTEST GUY AND PULL HIS PANTS
DOWN, AND EVERYBODY GETS TO SLAP HIS BUTT ONE TIME TO SEE WHO
LEAVES THE REDDEST MARK.>>THAT IS — DID YOU GO TO A
MALE PRISON?>>THEY PUT YOU WHERE THEY PUT
YOU. LOOK, LOOK, THE ALT-RIGHT, THEY
AIN’T AS FUNNY AS THEY THINK, BUT THEY ARE THE LIBERALS AIN’T
EVEN TRYING TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR.
I MEAN, YOU EVEN MENTION A SENSE OF HUMOR.
THEY GOT TO ON-LINE PETITION ABOUT YOU A DAY LATER.
ALL THEY DO IS YELL AT EACH OTHER ON FACEBOOK ABOUT SAFETY
PINS AND BERNIE SANDERS. ALL RIGHT, YOU’RE 100 TIMES
SMARTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE AND ABOUT A BILLION TIMES LESS FUN.
>>OKAY. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE A
LOT OF FAITH ON EITHER SIDE ON ON-LINE FAKE NEWS.
>>YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK EVERYBODY NEEDS TO GET
OFF THE DAMN INTERNET FOR A FEW DAYS.
INCLUDING DONALD TRUMP. I KNOW HE IS WATCHING.
[ APPLAUSE ] GO OUTSIDE.
MEET PEOPLE FACE-TO-FACE, AND LIKE THE PILGRIMS AND ALL THE
CAVE MEN ALL DID. THE WORLD IS MESSED UP, BUT I
DON’T LET IT GET ME TOO DOWN BECAUSE I LISTEN TO THE WORDS OF
MY HERO. MICHELLE ROBAMA.
THEY GO LOW, I GET HIGH.>>CATHY, EVERYBODY.
>>WE GOT A THING GOING.>>I DON’T THINK WE DO.
>>GOOD NIGHT. ♪♪♪

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